on
Sunday, April 25
I know people say that you need crappy stuff in life to make the happy stuff nicer, but honestly, are we ever really properly truly happy? Maybe all the junk food and lack of sleep and work is getting to my head, but it seems that whenever I have happiness in the palm of my hand, it's not actually there. Well of course it's never really there, you can't grasp happiness, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?
Like, when the whole universe is in its place and strangers smile at you on the street and you chance across 80% off sales and you find a delicious new place to eat and your subscription arrives in the mail and there is a sudden abundance of cute, charming boys and you bake a perfect batch of macaroons. Then you're on top of the world and you can't help but to hum some ridiculous Beethoven song (that's probably just me, who hums along to classical songs I mean. It's weird though, it'd make a lot more sense if I hummed Tchaikovsky. Wait Tchaikovsky is too complex, I only have one set of vocal cords after all). Yeah, well back to the point- when you're top-of-the-world happy, aren't you scared that eventually you'll fall off your perch and land on your face?
Well I am. I feel like whenever I'm that happy, I'm always preparing the parachute for the fall, so that when I eventually do, it'd hurt less. Like when I'm that happy, I don't really deserve it, and that the crappy stuff will inevitably come around the corner and slap me in the face in retaliation.
And now that I think of it, it's really very stupid. The happiness lasts for 3 days at most, and then I'd receive some exam mark (lately, I've been starting to realise that enough is never enough when it comes to marks) or I realise that my life is nothing like I had planned, or I contemplate the person I've become and realise what I screwed up person I am, and it all builds up (because these three occurences usually happen consecutively, if not simultaneously, give or take anxiety related to friends/family/boys/the future) and I sulk about it for a fortnight. And that's not even the stupid thing. The stupid thing is that in my very short period of happiness, usually two thirds of the time is spent preparing for the downwards spiral.
Okay I don't know where this is going. It's a disaster, spontaneously writing large blobs of thought. It's even worse having a breakdown on the internet. I'm just going to click 'publish post' now before I change my mind.